Have you ever noticed how, in every instance of abandonment, there is always a hidden clock?
Somewhere in there is a loop counter - a silent fuse, a secret measurement of the number of attempts you have - unknown to you until the termination of your relationship, which, unless the dynamics changed, would inevitably self-destruct after a certain time had passed.
Parent, child, relationship partner, business partner, teacher, student ... anyone you care about who walks away from you can make you feel abandoned or unwanted.
To understand why people walk out on us, we can turn the tables, and ask: what would make you abandon someone who you feel is getting too heavy? What do you do when you feel that your happiness or survival is being threatened by someone who is slowing you down?
You may try to communicate the problem, being pro-active, assertive, but if that does'nt work, then what? You try again, or try something different, but subconsciously the loop counter begins, because you don't want anyone to take advantage of your good nature. Subconsciously, you record the number of attempts, because if this situation does not change, you will have to abandon the sinking (relation)ship, or go down with it. With each failed attempt at solving the problem, your disappointment accumulates, you begin to feel like you're wasting your time, your patience wears thin, and then one day, Love runs out of Time.
Where physical separation is inconvenient or impossible, we detach emotionally, living in the same house, but leading parallel lives.
The abandonment complex is often buried deep beneath the surface of our awareness, sometimes completely covered by emotions like depression, anger, or anxiety, or obsessions such as shopping, sex, or substance abuse. When a relationship ends, and we feel grief and loss, the reason for the depth of that emotional hurt, is the primordial fear of abandonment, which goes back way beyond childhood, its encoded on a genetic level.
For social animals like primates, being abandoned means having to fend for ourselves, which is a significant survival risk. Even the most recluse, independent individuals must rely on others for their income and survival. For humans, abandonment is one of our primordial, deepest fears.
The 10 Million Dollar Question Is - What Can We Do About It?
To come back to primates, lets say that a little monkey in a big rain forest is abandoned, not necessarily because the other monkeys don't like him, maybe the others were eaten by tigers, but he has to come up with a survival plan: Where is the food? Where are the other monkeys? He journeys across the forest to look for food and the safety of companionship, and if he sticks to that strategy he will succeed. Any time he digresses from the plan, he can so easily become lost, wondering, desperate. As long as he's focussed on his goal, there is simply no time to be depressed. Anxiety or depression comes when he is sitting procrastinating in a tree, then he feels lonely, worrying, becoming more anxious and depressed because he's not getting any closer to his goal.
The truth is that sometimes, we need to do things on our own because there is no-one around to help. Anyone who finds it easy to change a tyre on the highway will tell you that its actually not that difficult, 10 minutes and you're back on the road. But what if it happens in a dangerous area? What we don't have a lot of physical strength? How do we become strong and independent? How do we know what to do? How can we connect our desires with a strategy and a plan of action?
When I am faced with a life challenges, a fresh perspective always clarifies what I need to do, and often reveals a few options that I would otherwise have overlooked. If I were the monkey, the first thing I would do is climb to the top of a tree, and get a good view of where I am... where I would like to be... and the shortest, safest possible rout for me to get there.
This will seem counter-intuitive to people who are anxious to start their journey and not waste any time, and it will seem difficult to people who don't know what to do, and frequently experience a catatonic sate (moments of being unable to move, just staring). For this reason I compiled a workshop in 2010 called "Getting Back On Your Feet - How to recover from grief and loss of love" - in which the metaphor of climbing a tree to get a better perspective of the forest, is applied to your real life situation. We look at all your options, and identify any unconscious behaviour that is stopping you from pursuing a more direct path to your goal - or even stopping you from seeing what your goal really is - and then we set out an instruction manual for your specific rout, to reach your goal. Finally, To help you put your plan into action, we'll look at how powerful your thoughts are in creating your mood, and develop a personal affirmation for you, that works with your individual suggestibility. This is one of my most frequently requested workshops because it helps with both sides of the coin - gives you motivation when you feel down, and relaxation when you feel stressed.
Getting Back On Your Feet - How to recover from grief and loss of love
Workshop Synopsis:
- What Do I Really Want?
- Passion, Logic, and Goals
- How To Climb Up, One Step At A Time
- When Last Did I Relax?
- Knowing My Mind
- Choosing My Thoughts
Duration: 2 hours
Cost: R200 (includes printed notes)
Venue: The Soul Sanctuary 124 Florida Road,
Time: 5pm, Oct 23
Bookings: 079 567 4261
The method is based on actual survival skills, which can always be applied to psychological scenarios. You will come out of this workshop with your own complete set of instructions and personal motivation material, which not only lets you navigate through your current life challenge, but also has you coming out exactly where you want to be.
The ancient Myans believed that time was divided into day and night, not only physically, but also psychologically. "Day" was a time for extroversion, when outer progress could be made in life, where as "Night" was a time for inner work, healing, planning, studying, preparing for the next "Day". Its ok if you are going through a "Night" time, and if that has been a few months or even years, then that is how long you have needed. But if you are ready now to reclaim your life and your goals, and recover from your grief and loss of love, then this is the time for you to move on. The opportunity is here.
To book now call 079 567 4261
or email info@nbsr.co.za
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